Week of the Lies
The spectrum of lies & splitting of self
I’m a terrible liar.
At least when it comes to “big” lies – my face crumples, my voice goes up a register and my eyes dart about like I’m a cartoon character.
But the little ones that uphold social equilibrium?
I’m pretty damn good.
According to a UMass Study by psychologist Robert S. Feldman, most of us are.
The study showed that 60% of people lied at least once (and up to three times) in a 10-minute conversation with a stranger, primarily to appear competent or likable.
Just last week, I lied to my landlord about how I feel about long winters. On Friday, I lied to one of my clients, telling them I was “great!” and that their request was “no problem!” Earlier in the year, I lied to the dental hygienist about my summer plans. The stylist who cut my hair got an entirely fabricated story about where I moved from and what I do for a living.
You get the picture.
Last month, my friend Laura Sabolich recommended the book, “The Way of Integrity,” by Martha Beck. In it, Beck walks through the stages of hell laid out in Dante’s “The Divine Comedy” to provide a roadmap of how to live fully in one’s integrity.
Eschewing lying is HIGH on the list.
And it made me reflect on my own pattern of lying. As I’ve mentioned before, temporary approval / avoiding judgment has been my life fuel for decades.
But these lies haven’t just been limited to simple, “harmless” ones to strangers and acquaintances that I would never see again…
They’ve included withholding my truth in certain relationships to make myself appear non-threatening or to try to control others’ reactions and feelings.
And countless - COUNTLESS - lies I’ve told myself.
These have split me into a million pieces.
Beck holds that any lie – even the ones used to calm the waters of life – severs us from our integrity.
We can’t talk freely, can't do things that would break the narrative, can’t relax…Our lives become increasingly cold, lonely, and numb. We may end up feeling completely frozen… It’s also exhausting. Hiding our crimes, acting cheerful despite hidden anguish, or lying to impress people requires a constant sustained effort. It ties up large areas of the brain, so all our thinking becomes foggy and slow.
Big or small – all lies wreak similar inner havoc. (And studies have shown they can have terrible effects on the body.)
The antidote?
To start noticing where and why and to whom we lie.
To stop lying to others insofar as it is safe (i.e. you’re not trapped by an abuser or in harm’s way of dangerous, oppressive people).
But most of all, to stop lying to ourselves.
The poem of the week is: “Week of the Lies”
Drip- ping out little un- truths across the floor like blood from micro- scopic paper cuts. Each tiny fib a tell- tale testimony, a costly circle of counterfeit safety around one terrifying truth: I am who I am.
Brilliant